The amount of mail that's been pouring in is amazing. It seemed that as soon as the first issue of Vol. II was sent out, we started getting a lot of reader feedback. The mailbag is full, folks! Here are just a few samples. Thanks, and keep 'em coming!
YOU, ADAM TRIONFO, MAY HAVE ALREADY WON $10,000,000!!!!
Simply affix your Gold Prize Seal to the inner envelope, and write your Super-Duper Prize-Winner ID Number in the blank. If your name is one of those pulled from Ed's hat, the next Grand-Prize Winner will be Mrs. Trionfo from Albuquerque !!!
Electricity, 31 days........$35.47
YOU are an ORIGANOL SINNER, and you must REPENT or burn in the FURNASS OF HELL forEVER. Send five dollars to the adress below, and then make ten copys of this letter and send them to all you're friends. If you do not follow these instructions, you will BURN ETERNALY! If you don't have the cash, then fruitcake is OK.
[Address omitted by editors.]
Dear Mr. Federico,
We are sorry to inform you that we cannot process your order, as we are all out of Item #42 ("Ms. Pinky -- For Guys With All Thumbs"). Please choose another item from the catalogue. If you wish, we will send a full refund.
We regret any inconveniece.
The Adult Doll Liquidation Warehouse
"Our customers are special"
My mom says that video games make kids violent. I think she's full of shit. What do you guys think? By the way, I think you should put your articles on the Internet, because your newsletter would seem more professional.
From Jimmy Casey, Age 12
Well, we're pleased to say that you've made a very good point. Your mom is, indeed, full of shit.